hey dude , how are you doing?ok? just ok?
its cool, sorry I havent written to you in so long. I just havent had the will, energy , desire to write about the sometimes happy often sad things that happen.
I am really trying hard to find a place where I can deal with , and even like you one day.
Its hard, a lifetime of loathing does not disappear overnight and I am sure you already know that, but I wanted it out there in the open for you to read .
I am not sure what will happen to us in the future but I want you to try to live a little more in the future ,alot in the present and let the past be the past.Is that ok? can you try that? iam totally willing.
I want you to take care of your self, I want you to be healthy and I want you to value yourself enough to want to do those things.
I understand you feel really bad about some really horribel things that have transpired over the course of your life, and although I a m not sure how to let go of regret and not be a product of your horrible childhood or be a product of the dysfuntion you create because of it, I am optimistic we can figure that out.I know there is good in you and real love that exists in you , I have seen the way you love your cats and your friends , music ,art, nature. I have seen your heartbreak from the pain of other living creatures that says so much to me and the people around you.You are a creature of depth, of intense and deep love and caring , now just turn a little of that on yourself, be forgiving, be kind , be generous, but also be vigilant and ever mindful of your actions adn thoughts.
I really just want us to be as happy as we possibly can and not feel guilt or mistrust when someone does soemthign nice for us or we do something nice for eachother.
I need you to try real hard to be strong enough , not just to survive and get by, but to LIVE .
Live hard.
