plague breather

breathe a plague
it descends like fallout
all around me withers
everything touched turns to old
to old stone and crumbles to dust
then to the wind it goes
to the wind it goes and into nothing

I breathe a plague

breathe a plague
and now it's winter

I lay on the ground
the earth rose to claim us
knowing we were ready
soil turns sour shaped liked us
lips turned black
pulled back a putrid grimace
our empty sockets locked
in trance, in cold, in forever ,sightless, filled with one another
it goes on forever
then stops dead in no where

hey

hey dude , how are you doing?ok? just ok?
its cool, sorry I havent written to you in so long. I just havent had the will, energy , desire to write about the sometimes happy often sad things that happen.
I am really trying hard to find a place where I can deal with , and even like you one day.
Its hard, a lifetime of loathing does not disappear overnight and I am sure you already know that, but I wanted it out there in the open for you to read .
I am not sure what will happen to us in the future but I want you to try to live a little more in the future ,alot in the present and let the past be the past.Is that ok? can you try that? iam totally willing.
I want you to take care of your self, I want you to be healthy and I want you to value yourself enough to want to do those things.
I understand you feel really bad about some really horribel things that have transpired over the course of your life, and although I a m not sure how to let go of regret and not be a product of your horrible childhood or be a product of the dysfuntion you create because of it, I am optimistic we can figure that out.I know there is good in you and real love that exists in you , I have seen the way you love your cats and your friends , music ,art, nature. I have seen your heartbreak from the pain of other living creatures that says so much to me and the people around you.You are a creature of depth, of intense and deep love and caring , now just turn a little of that on yourself, be forgiving, be kind , be generous, but also be vigilant and ever mindful of your actions adn thoughts.
I really just want us to be as happy as we possibly can and not feel guilt or mistrust when someone does soemthign nice for us or we do something nice for eachother.
I need you to try real hard to be strong enough , not just to survive and get by, but to LIVE .
Live hard.

who cares ? I do

Dawn just left.
we had a talk that we needed to have
she is not willing to salvage our relationship .
she can not be my wife, lover, partner.
I need to accept this.
Please accept this .

color fast

you are the light that fades and dies
once the truth that rotted lies
pain that never washed away
the sun that burns night into day

the need to fix what was broken
left you empty and unfulfilled
the souls you found that were rotten
brought you disease and made you ill


I am the cancer that eats away
agony and sickness that rots your way
the habit you could never break
that which corrupt your love to hate


the love you broke to fit in lines
the sun you brought no longer shines
dim and whither fade away
come back to love another day

the barren winds

cradle down the stair way I fall
encumbered
endless halls
void in stone and then to your heart we fell
the magnet pulls you down towards earth and truth
I hide in every way
you come, cascading shadow
trust to give
thrust on us
betrayer you fall the furthest from my mind
my pedestal! you hole! you pitiless hole, unleash the hounds the furies to wreck
the fate to pound to meal
Ill see you, I ll see you all
the same matter that rots. your seed as bad
your ground as sour .you end as sad, unknown
barren the landscape like salt and glass

you leave the same behind

words in water

in dreams
in words in water thinly veiled and set aside
the breaks that heal but never fade
the scars that make for words in water

pale lips that whisper silence in ears that strain to hear
the wise but broken know but one thing , know this,
your sun can't set any further west

and wait you shall

in dreams and lies
in faith , in ignorance of lives of truths best forgotten
best forgotten you shall be

these tears fall soundless, painless to me

will I know you when you get here?
save for the scars and the love I pound to dust?
the beasts I tamed and castrated
for the love you stole away
not lost but locked in stone and space alone
the times we had tainted and blurred
in pictures that fade with the pain
.......the loneliness we wrought
and the words we write in water can't recall the days
the times
and slowly fade away

when you saw me

I punched my way through your guard dogs
as you prayed for my death
I arose unscathed and slew your entire entourage
i saw you without your clothes
without your friends without your mask
but you sent me back to one
for what?
to see how far you could go alone
to watch little boys cry to their mamas groping for their decomposing tits
I stood up when you called me
I traveled long when you told me you'd wait
the times I saw pass confirmed the inevitable departing
you joined us
combined us
riddled with doubt you command us
the hope you gave the comfort you bled
left me the furthest to fall
and even in my pity my most selfish towering groveling ego
I see the beauty so impure and imperfect
damaged and limping its way to whatever place it must go to die
I see it and I think:"It couldnt happen any other way"
nurturing crippled passion
I saw you change before my eyes
I kissed your unfamiliar lips , so unlike the first time they were unfamiliar
so unlike when devourment , barely contained racked my nerves,soul and cock
I saw the flaw and patched it with your drive and pummeling will
but my complacency invoked your distaste , your disdain ,
again the furthest to fall I was, but it was you who shoved me
you saw no will
I saw perfect plans only poisoned by the indescretion of a cro-mag
I will see you someday and the recognition will thud dully in your chest
the smile of knowing passes your lips , a flawed smile
it patronizes it pities invites guilt and then fades
like it never happened like it never happened

hyms of the id

an archaic trauma summons
screaming sirens as dead gods rising
putting out the eyes of every storm
we will not allow the polite lie of subsiding
we enter into a pact
a towering pillar of our selfishness
to grudge fuck life, bloody in its face
injecting a molten load of our liberation

shedding the tears molting the morals
better to rot in the earth
then to know their weight again
better to freeze in the night of nothingness
then to suffer dull entombment
of "what ifs" and "what fors"
and "God if onlys!!!! "

this is His Word
Our Oath
We who are all that Is.

omnipotent tyrant of the abyss

ergot forms on the rye
bringing visions before mine eyes
werewolves bound over hill and dale to feast on mortal insides
for the umpteenth time this year
the rapture it comes I fear
praying to god to save thee and thine
I am afraid he just doesn't hear

witches will float sheep will sink
confess confess
the dead are saved and beginning to stink
confess confess
priests bent over in their graves
blessings?not before your rape

infallible angel of creation
stave off the coming obliteration
we promise you cake and candy and pie
and unabashed adoration
we stack up the dead to the sky
with the plague, your blessing disguised
burning the witches and drowning black cats if that is what your Holiness requires

pray to the Nazarene rebuke the sun?
refuse thee O'Satan though it so much more fun
to fuck into fervor hysterical bliss
to take of the Eucharist simmered in piss

God (the destroyer) master of divine genocide
infallible angel of creation
omnipotent tyrant of the abyss
who dost intercede for me

box of dead lady bugs

carving his name in a bullet
kept in a perfume box with flowers from a blurry past
sleeping with the blood oaths that would never last
coveting a custom curse
forged in regret
tempered in the crushing depth of fiction and misery
reared , nurtured , coddled and released into the wild
it will always come home to roost
the bullet with his name sleeps
waiting to be called on

the conquering grave

this side of the ground holds no love
it claims all in to its arms
the arctic embrace for all mortal flesh

the coldness of its certainty
extinguished thought negated reason
how do you face eternity
with the promise of immortality

destroyer of vows it ends here
for all matters it ends here

the final kiss for all mortal flesh
the hope and fears
the smoke you make never covers the holes and the tears

faith wont stop the inevitable nor will it stay the hand of hell

shadow box

the shadow box filled with cracked porcelain beauties is empty
the shattered glass door hangs on one hinge askew
the pitter pat of tiny felt covered feet pads away
I will follow down the hall
the dusty tattered cob webs flutter( as they, in panic, blur by)
the bed skirts sways
the water glass by the bed topples to the floor
the cats they hiss in the corner
even the spiders hold their breath
my days of collecting are closing
the nights of muted passion
finally will come to an end

untitled

your head is changing the air around us
can't you stop with your waves
your pain is ridiculous
and without origins
you're not seeing the forest for the leaves
see? you left me contrary
and spilling prose like a drunken mick
we never take walks anymore
we never.....talk
the dog breaks up the monotony of our awkward days
exhaustion of a masquerade shortens our nights alone
when will you die?

the trees

the trees creaking the horses uneasy
we pace the floor awaiting word
any word
the unlit windows won't expose our nervous display
we are not alone
a cloud heavy with grief and guilt
squeezes the air from our lungs
the dark corners of this place
will hold no refuge
we seek none

sometimes you're wondering

this has been less than ideal
this bed that creaks a bit
I will burn in the back yard tomorrow
this whole thing has been less than perfect
distrust stood like a sentinel
stone faced, statuesque, unwavering
wasted time is dying alive


....and we're not down with that

something about last night

I did not meet a stranger last night off the internet, I did not drive 11 miles to her house, she was not totally hot and slightly drunk, we did not spoon on her couch and make out watching a Haunted marathon,I did not fall asleep and snore into her cleave.
I did wait for her to fall asleep and ran the fuck up out of there.

Feels Like Fall

I must be broadcasting on all frequencies , got the feelers out, my metaphysical all encompassing tentacles are blooming and entwining all the souls I find desirable.
It could be that I am in a manic phase and I am misinterpreting all the interactions I have had this week.
I have been posting ads on craiglist, mostly random requests for company.
I also had a few dating site pages I have done, I heard a comedian say " Nothing shows how little you have to offer someone like an internet dating site", it's totally true.

My imaginary love affairs with ultra friendly cashiers of various stores continue.
Its only when they make conversations that hold up the line ,and make eye contact intently that I start to wonder about the "what ifs" or 'what the fucks".
I hate to make anyone uncomfortable so I don't usually pursue any kind of endeavor to "date" them.Besides I hate stores so much sometimes I don t want to fuckin pollute my sporadic interactions with these lovelies. The cuties that deem me cool enough to ask how my cats are or if I am going to combine my oatmeal raisin cookies with my ben and jerry's as they make the suckers wait with their lube and pickles wanting to get home and watch the football game, or get home and steam there bean curds and read Atlas Shrugged for the 4th time.

this weekend I have 4 days off.
I must canoe
I must endanger my life
I must meet the cute craigslist girl who is actually my age , that would be a first
I must give my menstruating sister her lawnmower
I must sleep with the moon in my face
I must get stuck with needles
I must

me and the amber monster went to Dolci Vita the other night, it ruled, it's nice to hang out with chicks that don't want your balls, or soul or whatever.... and not related to you.
boundaries are perfectly fucking fine.seriously.
I was uber excited that night because my rock star friend started talking to me again, I got a million hits from an add I posted, even if half were insane or 5oo lbs, and I found my phone. I couldn't help but feel I was talking at people though, I had to keep checking myself.
I found sometimes talking to a couple that stop by my house that they had faces like they were in a room with a baptist minister high on meth.
maybe it was the pint of ben and jerry's, lot of chocolate you know?


for you , a song of epic proportions that makes me a little happy/melancholy

Amber , what?

I got shit to say which is lame, this is a blog and the whole point is having something to say, is it not?
I don't think my life is particularly exciting which again is totally anti blog.meh.

My shrink recommends I write , and the Indomitable Amber Turrill , who is like some sort of herald to the next chapter of insanity of the dreary long winded knock knock joke that is my life, "suggested " I blog.
Oh,Amber, you're hard to refuse , strangely influential for someone I don't even get get to bone.
I do have the privilege of believing in a different world, a different life,universe, dimension, she would in all likelihood make out with me if not let me see her boobs and/or badunkadunk.After a decent date at least I'm sure.She is not some slam pig people.

So this night finds us after a brootal day in the morgue and an angry nap chillin, un hungry, sipping Tulsi tea with hemp milk. hows that for an Austin hippy drink, I didn't just finish pilates or composting so I think Im cool.
This tea is made of 'holy" basil, you get to drink the divine vibration of the resonating tone of the Godhead.nah, Im just bullshittin', I have know idea what Iam talking about.

the real deal:Tulsi, which is Sanskrit for "the incomparable one", is worshiped throughout India, most often regarded as a consort of Vishnu in the form of Mahalakshmi.^[18][19] There are two types of Tulsi worshiped in Hinduism—"Rama Tulsi" has light green leaves and is larger in size; "Krishna Tulsi" has dark green leaves and is important for the worship of Vishnu and Narayana.^[20] Many Hindus have tulsi plants growing in front of or near their home, often in special Tulsi pots. It is also frequently grown next to Vishnu temples, especially in Varanasi.[21-wiki

I want to tell you about my day, I can't it's top secret shit.Not really but I can't talk about any of the cases , especially since they are homicides.

who opts to kill a chick they at least liked on some level versus just break up with her?
Even at my most pissed off punching doors screaming like an idiot type shit, it never occurred to me to shoot the chick I bought dinner for, got beejs from , introduced to my mother, did horribly foul things to sexually, told inner most secrets to,............... square in the face.
Shit, just leave. I know it sucks when they cheat on you , or make you fell like a mamas boy, or refuse your anal intercourse suggestions, but come one, their is no reason to kill them. none.no reason to hurt them in any way physically or mentally. none. I assure you.
killing is as natural as taking shit, I realize this ,but is it necessary ? no , no , no.

should I start a band?
black metal style?
bands are a bitch , its like having 3 or more GFs., and the most profound thing you have in common with them is sex.Not that you don't like them aside from that but mostly its the sex.
Which really makes tolerance for differences a real fuckin chore after the honeymoon is over.
So I m hesitant .

I cannot get over this new Blut Aus Nord(Memoria Vetusta II - Dialogue with the Stars ) it is so fucking good, ridiculously epic, I think people who don't like black metal would dig the dark beauty of this album.seriously.

some amazing playlist for the more adventurous listener http://pocketsofsilence.blogspot.com

www.textsfromlastnight.com new site to make life worthwhile

http://www.foundphotos.net/ awesome site of pictures ganked from peer to peer file sharing, not porn at all, just quirky.

Introduction to the Book of Who Cares

If you are reading this , either you have stumbled accidentally on to a stranger's blog or for some reason I thought you needed to know all there is about me, for good or bad.

We should probably go over a few things, first ,although I make some attempts at proper spelling and decent grammar sometimes I get more concerned with the content than the presentation.
I am not educated in the traditional sense as I dropped out of high school when I was 15, so to be honest some things are just beyond me.
Run on sentences are a real problem and I will do my best to not let them get out of hand.
I realize I have failed at that already.
I write poems and ramble on sometimes in some sort of prose-ish sense although I must make clear that I don't really fancy myself a poet or writer .
I don't throw this shit out lightly but nor do I pretend I am making some profound contribution to the literary world.
Sometimes, though , I get lucky.

I will post like everyone gives a shit
I will post like I am the center of the universe,
I will post like all I say is gospel.
I will use aliases to protect the innocent and my self from litigation and ass beatings.
I realize some of you will recognize yourselves and others and unless it's a completely benign post you will remain nameless or have a cool name from LOTR or the Brady Bunch.